a plague of golfers [ July 04, 2003, 9:06 a.m. ]

July 2, 2003

My office is some sort of black hole where no radio station comes in without a high pitched buzzing. The CD player died on my ancient little stereo and if I play music on my computer the bitch in the office next door complains it disturbs her because the tiny desktop speakers are near the wall between our offices.

Nine layer bean dip is on the ďnever ever eat again listĒ as I spent most of Sunday night and Monday morning in the fetal position on the bathroom floor while gremlins stabbed at my abdomen with sporks. Actually I spent most of the day flopped on the swing in the back yard reading HP 5 while gremlins stabbed at my abdomen with sporks.

I went to the Dr for a follow up and he seemed concerned the medication has not completely taken care of the problem. If it continues, the next step is the gastroenterologist and a tube of lube. I also lost 7 lbs in less than a month (which at first I was thrilled about it..but then I realized this could be a symptom of something much more sinister going on in my body.) I havenít freaked out, I am eating a lot better and I have no appetite thanks to Eric Schlosserís Fast Food Nation and a story on NPR about crushed insects being used as ďnaturalĒ food coloring. But this makes a total of 16 lbs since my fat hoggiest. I just might be able to squeeze into my Motherís wedding dress in time for the wedding. Umm..nevermind.


July 3, 2003

I just realized that the gasoline tax has increased as well as the county and state sales tax. My car and health insurance premiums have increased, my medical copay and deductible have both increased. And our brilliant leader just gave a nice tax CUT to the wealthiest Americans. Stupid prick.

I was very annoyed driving home thinking about this. So I decided to yell incredibly hateful things to the other drivers (they couldnít hear me.) It was incredibly calming to yell ďGo ahead chubs, have another bite!Ē or ďItís the long skinny pedal on the right you stupid fucking bitch!Ē I yelled other things I am embarrassed to write in here.. Iím fairly certain the other drivers were horrified by the sight of the chubby old man yelling than laughing to himself in his car.


July 4, 2003

I planned to sleep the morning away. Instead I got up at 7am. Oh well, at least I had time to actually finish this entry before it got stale and moldy. Oooooooo.. ..my thumbergia is blooming!

Except they were supposed to be pale yellow and they are orange. Iím not a big fan of orange.

Sigh..I suppose I should confess about the chipmunk. Those little bastards have dug up my begonias on a regular basis. At least twice a week I replant the flowers and try to repair the mess. R. bought some stakes that vibrate and buzz (ooo-la-la) that have driven the moles away, but the chipmunks are getting more bold. Now they sit on the back porch and torment the cats. Iíve tried poison and smoke bombs. Nothing seems to work. The other day I noticed one of them laughing at me from the downspout drain. He ran into the little pipe that connect the downspout to the house. I decided to flush him out. Instead I drowned him. I was bummed. While death has been my goal all along, I prefer it to happen where I donít actually deal with it. Like underground or the local abortion clinic. Now I feel bad. And let the record show that as soon as I realized the little guy was drowning..I tried to dismantle the thingy where he was trapped. Ugh.


Last week the US Senior Open took place 2 blocks from my house. Being the avid golfer I was thrilled!! (cough cough). It was a nightmare and the place was swarming with pretentious golf snobs (who most likely were celebrating their tax cuts with free champagne and diamonds in the hospitality tents.) They estimated something like 150,000 people were here during the week. The stupid news was all over it.
ďThe world is ending today at 6:30 but first letís go live to the head of the Port-O-John cleaning crew!Ē
I wanted to drive across the fairway and rip huge chunks of sod from the greens and ruin the party for everyone. Iím a bitter old man and I HATE GOLF!

OK..this entry is rambling, itís taken 3 days to write and I have things to do.



Now Playing: "Sweet Sucker Dance" Joni Mitchell

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